Old Journal Entry..

Negative Thoughts ..... Saturday, August 2nd.

I need to start writing these things down. My mental ability to pick and choose my battles has apparently taken a hiatus. I can't leave all of the issue to God to fix, but I can look for his support and guidance. The answer to my problem lies within me, it's up to me of how and when I will find the answer.
I'm strugglnig. I was struggling pretty badly before I left for Europe. Leaving, being on my own, soul-searching, realizing how lucky I was to have such an opportunity, all were factors in which I helped myself out of my slump. Life isn't supposed to be easy. In fact, it is supposed to be really hard. Life is full of phases - series of tests which examine your faith, your strength and personal character. I firmly believe that I am put through such tests to remind myself of why I'm here. Not to fulfill a life for just myself - but for everyone around me. To be involved in a bigger, circle of life. To help thoes who are unfortunate, who need miracles and who need to be saved. I wont be able to have an impact on everyones life -- but I can sure as hell try.

My Current Weakness: Relationships

XXXX is the love of my life. Something has changed since the 4th of July, or even before that has made me insecure and pathetic. I'm honestly getting close to being over his past with his ex - but why has it taken me to the point of practically pushing him away to figure it out? I so desperately want a future w/ this man - but how when I'm on a past that I was never a part of? So many questions race through my head. What is the onset of this weakness? May it be fear? Have I worried and hoped for so long to find the perfect person for me that when he finally shows up I do everything in my power to tear him apart and prove myself wrong? Why can't I just 'let live' as he would say. Academically, I'm programmed to be serious, focused, and disciplined. I always need the answers in front of me, no room for improv. That shouldn't be the way a relationship works. The beauty of his and mines relationship in the beginning was that it was so unexpected. Two people who at the time couldn't seem more perfect for each othere. We thrived off of learning new things about each, different life experiences, and just life in general. Every minute was so different, so exciting. Spending time together was insightful, exhilirating, and amazing. My emotions were all over the map. First angry, because of the timing, then excited because of the commitment, and weary because of the distance. But why should the latter part matter? At one point, I felt so confident, even on top of the world bt how confident I knew things were going to turn out to be. There was no fear, no insecurity, just happiness and bliss. What's changed? We've left school and done separate things this summer - but we're still same two people who fell in love with each other.

As I sit here at 2:00 a.m., restless and unable to sleep, I replay everything that's happened. Tears instantly come to my eyes, and I can't see my words anymore. This candlelight makes it hard to see. But what is it that I don't want to see? Someone, who, after everything still loves me for who I am even though the feelings may be fading? I owe it to him to remind him of why he fell in love with me in the first place. More importantly, I owe it to myself to overcome these struggles. I know I need to be patient - not all of hte pain can be erased in one day or weekend. It may take months, but I'm willing and ready to fight and prove whatever needs to be done to make it all better. It would be horrible to think I ruined a great thing- but I know I can't think that way. Negativity never got anyone anywhere -- I should know. Just have to grasp life one day at a time. And he is right -- life is too short to be negative.

Me moving away is a good thing. I need to get on with my life. It is time to move forward and become a different but better person. So here I am -- literally writing the last pages of this chapter in my life. It's bittersweet. Only good will come from this change and I plan to prove it to myself.

So I'm leaving behind all of this. Negative thoughts, feelings, ideas, accusations. Its time to be more up beat, charming, happy, positive, independent, and mature.Writing this down somehow has made it all click.

I promise to change. I promise to be a better Sarah, make a 360*.

It's time to make myself a believer again.