I'm back...

Well it's only been about a year since my last post. I know I know, I kind of lost interest in blogging until late, so here I am trying to get back into the groove. 


Let's see, what's new. Well, I graduated from UNLV with my Masters in Criminal Justice in May 2010. What a huge accomplishment eh? Except, the funny part is I don't feel like I really did anything. I think the program flew by way too fast. I am ready to go back.  


Post graduation I accepted a job for a nonprofit to help at-risk youth, both those under the supervision of DHS, DOC and foster. Well, after two months the place started to sink and laid off roughly 50% of employees.. myself included. So -- I was fairly discouraged there for a while. I really disliked the job anyway so I felt a little relieved when I got home that day. 


A month later I was hired with Target. (Wooo!) I am an executive team leader for assets protection. Basically these means I am in charge of protecting assets including team members, guests, and Target product for 1 store in the Las Vegas market. I am just now starting my second week of training, about 5 more to go after this! I love it so far. I am surrounded by great people who are very helpful with aiding me in my training. 


I have decided to go back to church. Steve loves me enough to give it another shot also. He had a fairly negative experience when he was younger, and has lost most of his faith. It's a personal goal of mine to facilitate the encouragement to try and help him strengthen this dull faith. We will see how it goes!


Other then that - I am doing well. Really miss home - hoping to transfer to a different Target store in a year or so in the Pac NW area. I miss the rain, the snow, the hole in the wall bars, my family, voodoo donuts, Lincoln City, Pike Place Market, etc. 


Well - time to crawl into bed. Working 11 hour days! 

Old Journal Entry..

Negative Thoughts ..... Saturday, August 2nd.

I need to start writing these things down. My mental ability to pick and choose my battles has apparently taken a hiatus. I can't leave all of the issue to God to fix, but I can look for his support and guidance. The answer to my problem lies within me, it's up to me of how and when I will find the answer.
I'm strugglnig. I was struggling pretty badly before I left for Europe. Leaving, being on my own, soul-searching, realizing how lucky I was to have such an opportunity, all were factors in which I helped myself out of my slump. Life isn't supposed to be easy. In fact, it is supposed to be really hard. Life is full of phases - series of tests which examine your faith, your strength and personal character. I firmly believe that I am put through such tests to remind myself of why I'm here. Not to fulfill a life for just myself - but for everyone around me. To be involved in a bigger, circle of life. To help thoes who are unfortunate, who need miracles and who need to be saved. I wont be able to have an impact on everyones life -- but I can sure as hell try.

My Current Weakness: Relationships

XXXX is the love of my life. Something has changed since the 4th of July, or even before that has made me insecure and pathetic. I'm honestly getting close to being over his past with his ex - but why has it taken me to the point of practically pushing him away to figure it out? I so desperately want a future w/ this man - but how when I'm on a past that I was never a part of? So many questions race through my head. What is the onset of this weakness? May it be fear? Have I worried and hoped for so long to find the perfect person for me that when he finally shows up I do everything in my power to tear him apart and prove myself wrong? Why can't I just 'let live' as he would say. Academically, I'm programmed to be serious, focused, and disciplined. I always need the answers in front of me, no room for improv. That shouldn't be the way a relationship works. The beauty of his and mines relationship in the beginning was that it was so unexpected. Two people who at the time couldn't seem more perfect for each othere. We thrived off of learning new things about each, different life experiences, and just life in general. Every minute was so different, so exciting. Spending time together was insightful, exhilirating, and amazing. My emotions were all over the map. First angry, because of the timing, then excited because of the commitment, and weary because of the distance. But why should the latter part matter? At one point, I felt so confident, even on top of the world bt how confident I knew things were going to turn out to be. There was no fear, no insecurity, just happiness and bliss. What's changed? We've left school and done separate things this summer - but we're still same two people who fell in love with each other.

As I sit here at 2:00 a.m., restless and unable to sleep, I replay everything that's happened. Tears instantly come to my eyes, and I can't see my words anymore. This candlelight makes it hard to see. But what is it that I don't want to see? Someone, who, after everything still loves me for who I am even though the feelings may be fading? I owe it to him to remind him of why he fell in love with me in the first place. More importantly, I owe it to myself to overcome these struggles. I know I need to be patient - not all of hte pain can be erased in one day or weekend. It may take months, but I'm willing and ready to fight and prove whatever needs to be done to make it all better. It would be horrible to think I ruined a great thing- but I know I can't think that way. Negativity never got anyone anywhere -- I should know. Just have to grasp life one day at a time. And he is right -- life is too short to be negative.

Me moving away is a good thing. I need to get on with my life. It is time to move forward and become a different but better person. So here I am -- literally writing the last pages of this chapter in my life. It's bittersweet. Only good will come from this change and I plan to prove it to myself.

So I'm leaving behind all of this. Negative thoughts, feelings, ideas, accusations. Its time to be more up beat, charming, happy, positive, independent, and mature.Writing this down somehow has made it all click.

I promise to change. I promise to be a better Sarah, make a 360*.

It's time to make myself a believer again.

What a life I must have..

Picture this:

It's friday night. It's warm, the wind is at low mph's, and its clear. You live in a high-paced, city full of entertainment, lights, and 24-hour establishments that are always ready for your business. You're 22, single, and mildly attractive. You have the world at your finger-tips. A city rich in opportunity and things to do with umpteen resources. And what are you doing? Sitting at home. In your apartment, alone. John Mayer is playing in the background, and the flicker of candles dance across the screen of your laptop, which is plastered with your students' papers. And you are accompaning this thrilling activity with a pot of COFFEE. Yes, you're grading papers. And drinking coffee. On a friday night. In Las.. fucking...Vegas. Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

A lot of my friends recently have brought to my attention that I do not act my age. That they feel I am letting life pass me by, and that I am trying to grow up too fast. A part of me sides with their argument, but at the same time this is the way I've always been. I am a student, and a nerd at that... but I've never really partied like a rockstar or acted like a normal college kid. And to be honest, I am ok with that. I am forced by my responsibility to keep a good GPA, and stay responsible. I have people depending on me to get my work done efficiently and correctly.

When I used to have facebook, I used to look at the girls I was friends with that also go to UNLV and just be.. jealous. Seeing their rowdy pictures in the dorms, at the clubs, etc. Wasted, plastered with tacky makeup and matching tacky outfits.. I wouldn't be that extreme but, I often wonder what it would be like to be carefree. Am I missing out on a part of my life that I will regret later? Am I too much of a square? Am I far too responsible?

The thing is, I don't really know what ANOTHER life would have brought. If I wouldn't have gotten a full ride to graduate school, and didn't chose the route of Academia for my path at this juncture, what would I be doing? Would I be married and making babies like a grand majority of my highschool/college friends? Would I be working a minimum wage job and still living at home? Would I be making a comfortable salary and living alone with a big dog somewhere in a small town?

I don't have any answers.. just making observations. I didn't realy think about it until a considerable amount of my friends (who are older than me, wishing they could rewind to my age) brought it to my attention, and you know me... once I start thinking.....

Quicksand.

I'm still a fool. Even after all of these years. Not sure why I thought things might be different this time. And the funny thing is - she warned me. She warned me the nature of the situation was that of quicksand -- if you crawl out of it, and saw how scary and dangerous it was -- why on earth would you get involved in it again? Because its so alluring. Its like something else takes over - and all rhyme or reason checks out for the day. You don't know what you are doing because you don't care. Consquences don't knock at your door - they too leave. Competence is all but there. A quick leap of faith that since your heart feels it, your head should too. How things spiral out of control, back to that place of comfort, that place of belonging. But why dont you remember where that place of comfort took you the last time? Down a long, unhappy, sad path. Where you thought things were perfect but found them to be an illusion.
So why do it again? - especially because the time it took to heal greatly surpassed the actual love affair. Because it feels so dangerous. Alluring. Its as if the pain never happened and all you can remember are the things that made you fall in the first place. The memories. The intimacy. The laughter. The quiet moments. The things that weren't said that you filled in. The wholeness. How quickly those things fade when all of a sudden - its gone. Without a reason. Without a why. Without a warning. Gone.
This is where you wish you were strong enough to go back. Press RWD. Take it back. Start over. Stop yourself. Safe guard your heart. Not be so trusting. Be more hesitant. Less willing. Even though it feels so good. So natural. So.. right. It clicks even. It just makes sense. So do you go there again? Knowing what it did to you the last time? Do you take a second chance? Even though you barely made it out the first time? How do you know this time that it will be worth it? You don't. Taking a leap of faith can only get you so far. So, what do you do? Do you fight the quicksand and try to beat it again. Or do you let it swallow you. Do you constantly wonder, hope, and dream about it? Or just let it happen. When the odds are greatly against you- but the desire is so powerful that it feels like its stealing you.. do you give in? I think I might.

I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

I'll never understand.

Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Bewildered. Empty. Resentment. Bitter. Sorrow. Pity. Hurt. Betrayed. Sinking. Fading. Weakness. Trial. Can't let it be this way. I can't be that person. Only way out of this is nowhere but ahead, moving forward. Looking up. Pushing through. Suffering through with purpose. Loss. Separation. Destroyed. Splitting. Dividing. Choosing. Siding. Alliance. Loyalty. It shouldn't have to be this way. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Loss of family. What a waste of time. What a waste of love. What a waste. What a fucking waste.

Always a white light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just have to want to see it. Have to want it to be there when you are through. I will find it, I always do. And i will help others find it. Must show strength especially for the weak. Weak of mind. Weak soul. Weak heart. Sacrifices are to be made now. Loneliness must be stopped. Emotional support there at hand. I'm here. I always will be here. And I will never let you down, or let go. Never.

The Chapters of Life bring New Beginnings

I am nearing the end of my first year in graduate school. So far I believe I've made the right choice coming to Las Vegas. It has definitely been quite the experience, and has taught me some things I might not have learned had I stayed home in Oregon or gone somewhere a little more.. 'safe'. I definitely leaped outside of my comfort zone by moving to Las Vegas. And I am definitely not a fan of the desert, but at least I can say I did it right?

I have started doing a lot of research for the next step of life. I know I am not finished with school but I am not sure what to study. I am thinking I will apply to 10 different schools with a wide range of programs, and will select whoever offers me the best package (like the scholarship I received here at UNLV). So far I am considering U of O, OSU, PSU, CSU, WSU, SU, UW, a few in Canada.. and the list continues. I might get another Masters degree -- in something different like sociology, social work, public administration, conflict dispute and resolution, etc. Or I might apply to a program that offers a graduate certificates in Non-Profit Management. OR I may just head straight toward a PhD. Anyway, I will apply to all of the above and go with whoever offers me the best package.

Right now I am single.. un-attached from any sort of relationship, free of big payments like mortgage etc.. I migth as well take advantage of the fact that the world is at my feet -- and do whatever it is I please while I am free of committment.

As long as I keep on the straight and narrow...

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”

New Year, New Beginnings...

Life changes all the time. Unfortunately, most people aren't prepared for change and watch it pass by before they can take advantage of new opportunities. Not me. I am a huge advocate for new people, new situations, new chapters and new beginnings. Diversity combats boredom. New zests up the still. Its a necessary evil for everyone, especially if you are sick of your life being on pause mode. I was sick of my life being this way, and knew I had to do something drastic. I knew it was more than just a new hair style, new clothes, new car, or a new hobby. It was a new school, new friends, new support systems, and most important of all, a new environment. I couldn't do habit anymore, I couldn't stay and wasn't happy in the cycle that my life was processing through.

So I packed up, and left. I had to leave behind the people that I had loved and cared about forever and do something for myself. It was the hardest challenge, and still is. I am learning new things about myself every day. Things I really dont like, things I want to change, and things that I am working on changing right now. I let go of a lot of pain and anger that I felt towards some people, and unfortunately carried a large part of it on my shoulders here to Vegas. I am working through it, mostly alone. I think I will appreciate life so much more when I am finally able to breathe with my head above water. I wouldn't change any of it for the world, no matter how many times I have already or continue to hit rock bottom. These stresses are making me a stronger, more independent, aware woman; someone I've always dreamt of becoming.

Recently I've done a ton of soul searching. I've looked into my life at the things that were causing me pain, anger, resentment, confusion, and dependancy. I looked at all of these things long and hard, and have come to terms with what I needed to change. I've realized the things I need to let go; and there were quite a few. Two different yet equally important broken pieces of my heart were preventing me from being 100% happy, or even the idea of being happy. One was something that I had been repressing since my youth, the other very recent. I knew both were things I could not change, and that I needed to find the forgiveness in my heart to give myself the closure I needed and deserved.

I have successfully let go of one piece, the one I was still harboring inside from my childhood. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and that I can grow with this person past the long life of hurt and anger that we've experienced together. The second piece, slowly but steadily is coming along.