What a life I must have..

Picture this:

It's friday night. It's warm, the wind is at low mph's, and its clear. You live in a high-paced, city full of entertainment, lights, and 24-hour establishments that are always ready for your business. You're 22, single, and mildly attractive. You have the world at your finger-tips. A city rich in opportunity and things to do with umpteen resources. And what are you doing? Sitting at home. In your apartment, alone. John Mayer is playing in the background, and the flicker of candles dance across the screen of your laptop, which is plastered with your students' papers. And you are accompaning this thrilling activity with a pot of COFFEE. Yes, you're grading papers. And drinking coffee. On a friday night. In Las.. fucking...Vegas. Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

A lot of my friends recently have brought to my attention that I do not act my age. That they feel I am letting life pass me by, and that I am trying to grow up too fast. A part of me sides with their argument, but at the same time this is the way I've always been. I am a student, and a nerd at that... but I've never really partied like a rockstar or acted like a normal college kid. And to be honest, I am ok with that. I am forced by my responsibility to keep a good GPA, and stay responsible. I have people depending on me to get my work done efficiently and correctly.

When I used to have facebook, I used to look at the girls I was friends with that also go to UNLV and just be.. jealous. Seeing their rowdy pictures in the dorms, at the clubs, etc. Wasted, plastered with tacky makeup and matching tacky outfits.. I wouldn't be that extreme but, I often wonder what it would be like to be carefree. Am I missing out on a part of my life that I will regret later? Am I too much of a square? Am I far too responsible?

The thing is, I don't really know what ANOTHER life would have brought. If I wouldn't have gotten a full ride to graduate school, and didn't chose the route of Academia for my path at this juncture, what would I be doing? Would I be married and making babies like a grand majority of my highschool/college friends? Would I be working a minimum wage job and still living at home? Would I be making a comfortable salary and living alone with a big dog somewhere in a small town?

I don't have any answers.. just making observations. I didn't realy think about it until a considerable amount of my friends (who are older than me, wishing they could rewind to my age) brought it to my attention, and you know me... once I start thinking.....

Quicksand.

I'm still a fool. Even after all of these years. Not sure why I thought things might be different this time. And the funny thing is - she warned me. She warned me the nature of the situation was that of quicksand -- if you crawl out of it, and saw how scary and dangerous it was -- why on earth would you get involved in it again? Because its so alluring. Its like something else takes over - and all rhyme or reason checks out for the day. You don't know what you are doing because you don't care. Consquences don't knock at your door - they too leave. Competence is all but there. A quick leap of faith that since your heart feels it, your head should too. How things spiral out of control, back to that place of comfort, that place of belonging. But why dont you remember where that place of comfort took you the last time? Down a long, unhappy, sad path. Where you thought things were perfect but found them to be an illusion.
So why do it again? - especially because the time it took to heal greatly surpassed the actual love affair. Because it feels so dangerous. Alluring. Its as if the pain never happened and all you can remember are the things that made you fall in the first place. The memories. The intimacy. The laughter. The quiet moments. The things that weren't said that you filled in. The wholeness. How quickly those things fade when all of a sudden - its gone. Without a reason. Without a why. Without a warning. Gone.
This is where you wish you were strong enough to go back. Press RWD. Take it back. Start over. Stop yourself. Safe guard your heart. Not be so trusting. Be more hesitant. Less willing. Even though it feels so good. So natural. So.. right. It clicks even. It just makes sense. So do you go there again? Knowing what it did to you the last time? Do you take a second chance? Even though you barely made it out the first time? How do you know this time that it will be worth it? You don't. Taking a leap of faith can only get you so far. So, what do you do? Do you fight the quicksand and try to beat it again. Or do you let it swallow you. Do you constantly wonder, hope, and dream about it? Or just let it happen. When the odds are greatly against you- but the desire is so powerful that it feels like its stealing you.. do you give in? I think I might.

I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

I'll never understand.

Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Bewildered. Empty. Resentment. Bitter. Sorrow. Pity. Hurt. Betrayed. Sinking. Fading. Weakness. Trial. Can't let it be this way. I can't be that person. Only way out of this is nowhere but ahead, moving forward. Looking up. Pushing through. Suffering through with purpose. Loss. Separation. Destroyed. Splitting. Dividing. Choosing. Siding. Alliance. Loyalty. It shouldn't have to be this way. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Loss of family. What a waste of time. What a waste of love. What a waste. What a fucking waste.

Always a white light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just have to want to see it. Have to want it to be there when you are through. I will find it, I always do. And i will help others find it. Must show strength especially for the weak. Weak of mind. Weak soul. Weak heart. Sacrifices are to be made now. Loneliness must be stopped. Emotional support there at hand. I'm here. I always will be here. And I will never let you down, or let go. Never.