Quicksand.

I'm still a fool. Even after all of these years. Not sure why I thought things might be different this time. And the funny thing is - she warned me. She warned me the nature of the situation was that of quicksand -- if you crawl out of it, and saw how scary and dangerous it was -- why on earth would you get involved in it again? Because its so alluring. Its like something else takes over - and all rhyme or reason checks out for the day. You don't know what you are doing because you don't care. Consquences don't knock at your door - they too leave. Competence is all but there. A quick leap of faith that since your heart feels it, your head should too. How things spiral out of control, back to that place of comfort, that place of belonging. But why dont you remember where that place of comfort took you the last time? Down a long, unhappy, sad path. Where you thought things were perfect but found them to be an illusion.
So why do it again? - especially because the time it took to heal greatly surpassed the actual love affair. Because it feels so dangerous. Alluring. Its as if the pain never happened and all you can remember are the things that made you fall in the first place. The memories. The intimacy. The laughter. The quiet moments. The things that weren't said that you filled in. The wholeness. How quickly those things fade when all of a sudden - its gone. Without a reason. Without a why. Without a warning. Gone.
This is where you wish you were strong enough to go back. Press RWD. Take it back. Start over. Stop yourself. Safe guard your heart. Not be so trusting. Be more hesitant. Less willing. Even though it feels so good. So natural. So.. right. It clicks even. It just makes sense. So do you go there again? Knowing what it did to you the last time? Do you take a second chance? Even though you barely made it out the first time? How do you know this time that it will be worth it? You don't. Taking a leap of faith can only get you so far. So, what do you do? Do you fight the quicksand and try to beat it again. Or do you let it swallow you. Do you constantly wonder, hope, and dream about it? Or just let it happen. When the odds are greatly against you- but the desire is so powerful that it feels like its stealing you.. do you give in? I think I might.

I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.